Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] Foreign.
[00:00:08] This week it has just been chaos. And honestly, I'm kind of worried about the holidays. But welcome to another episode of the Llamas podcast.
[00:00:18] Lauren was short staffed this week. I was short staffed earlier this week. And last week I was telling her I had something every single night with the kids and so, so overwhelmed at work. And I had a conference I was speaking at on Friday. So she covered for me last week. And I appreciate that, jumping in to give y' all an episode this week so we don't miss. And I hope we're together next week. But if you are a true mama, you know, that's why you listen to the Llamas podcast, then you know that the holidays are really hard for us.
[00:00:52] You know, my kids had red ribbon week, so I was trying to plan their outfits. And they have a spirit week coming up, Thanksgiving, trying to figure out, you know, Christmas gifts and family dynamics and what we're doing. And on top of our normal, everyday school work, the courts don't slow down around this time. I feel it is just pushing on as usual. So we're going to do our best to be together, but if you could just give us a little bit of grace the next two months if we're not.
[00:01:26] The reason is we are true law mamas. We are running our law practices. We are being moms.
[00:01:31] So my topic today I want to talk about is family dynamics in the holidays as you get older. Curious to see if the changes within my own family are normal.
[00:01:44] I think when you grow up in an abnormal family structure like I did, you oftentimes don't recognize what is normal and what's not.
[00:01:54] Maybe there isn't a normal. I don't know. So I'm just gonna kind of talk to you about my family dynamics, how things have changed around the holidays, and I'm curious to hear your thoughts on where you lie in those things. So, for myself, y' all know, I was raised by a single mom. I have a sister. My sister has three girls. And then I had my two boys after she had her three girls. And so as for Thanksgiving, we actually all used to do Thanksgiving together at my grandma's house. So growing up, my mom always had to work on holidays.
[00:02:31] She, even though she was the one with the smallest kids, they always put her on the schedule. Thanksgiving and Christmas. I still have a lot of animosity, honestly, towards her old manager for doing that is really hurtful, honestly. And I'm 38 and I'm still not over it. Okay. Santa came Christmas Eve for me because he knew my mom had to work Christmas morning. I think my first time having a Christmas morning, I was around 12 years old. So.
[00:03:02] But for Thanksgiving, my, my grandma always cooked. My mom worked the first shift, so she got off around 1. So we ate around 1:32 o' clock and we were not allowed to eat until she got home.
[00:03:13] And then when my papa passed away, my, my cousin Sean and my uncle Rusty and my Aunt Rhonda moved to Union from North Carolina.
[00:03:24] And so after that we would do Thanksgivings together. And that part of my childhood where we did Thanksgiving and Christmases together was probably my best holidays most fun that I look back on. And so I think for me there's just a deep core and having all of us kids, kids together for the holidays because I just remember that being the most special to me is those, those years when we all did Thanksgiving as a family.
[00:03:56] I don't know how old I was, but there was a falling out between my grandmother and Sean's parents.
[00:04:06] And it's sad. It couldn't be like, put aside for the family for the holidays for us kids. But these are adults. We were just kids in those situations. And so unfortunately at that point we no longer did anything together.
[00:04:23] I had, I felt like I needed to be with everybody because I still want to be with everybody. Everybody just didn't want to be together themselves.
[00:04:32] So it put a lot of stress on me to be with everybody for the holidays because I still wanted to see everybody.
[00:04:39] So my best friend is also like my sister Krista. So I also did a lot of stuff with her family and I just felt pulled to always go see them too, which was not far. But I just, I was really close to all these people. I felt like they were my family and it was hard for me not to see them. So at that point it kind of felt like I was a child of divorced parents because I had multiple Thanksgivings to go to.
[00:05:08] So at that point I would eat with my mom.
[00:05:12] At some point I would visit with Krista's family for a little bit. And then when the Cowboys flex. I am a big Cowboys fan.
[00:05:19] It was a terrible choice. Don't come at me. I, I can't say regret it. I'm here. It is what it is. But anyways, so of course I want to watch the Cowboys game every Thanksgiving.
[00:05:30] So I would go and watch the game with my uncle. So I'd watch it with Uncle Rusty and Aunt Rhonda and even.
[00:05:38] And Sean, he. I don't know that he was actually watching, but he was he was present. So that was. That kind of turned into my tradition at that point.
[00:05:47] So I did that I don't know how many years.
[00:05:52] At some point.
[00:05:55] I do know. I know I went to. To law school in Charleston. I would still come back for the holidays. I imagine I did that the first year.
[00:06:07] The second year I was in law school, I had moved back to Columbia.
[00:06:10] And that's when everything kind of shifted again.
[00:06:15] My aunt actually passed away around Thanksgiving, so that was a really hard time. And so I think Thanksgiving for me is also just very triggering.
[00:06:24] It just brings up a lot of hard memories of that week that she passed.
[00:06:29] So I. I did go over there that year for the game. She was very sick, and she passed a few days later. So.
[00:06:38] So, yeah, so everything just kind of shifted after that again.
[00:06:43] After that, I really just wanted to be with my nieces for Thanksgiving. That's all I wanted. That was my safe space. That was my comfort, because I felt. Oh, I didn't think I was going to cry.
[00:06:57] I. I felt if I couldn't have my aunt, at least I could be an aunt.
[00:07:05] Anyways, my sister's not gonna listen to this, to this episode, so she's not gonna know any of this.
[00:07:13] So they were just kind of my crutch for many years. And so for. We did go to my husband's side once we got married for Thanksgiving, I think a couple years. I don't think we did it a lot. Eventually, we just stopped going. It was a lot to.
[00:07:28] We had lived in Myrtle beach, then he moved back here. So we were always the ones traveling. And so we just kind of decided we would just go to my mom's for Thanksgiving. And I guess that was really my decision. And he just went along with it and supported it. But for me, I just needed to be with my nieces.
[00:07:43] That was my safe space. So, I mean, I remember just crying one Thanksgiving, and I think it was Maya or Chloe. One of them just wiped my tears, so they got me through. And so that's when that shifted to just go into my mom's, and that would be what we did for Thanksgiving. And so then when I had kids, you know, we would still go to my mom's. We couldn't stay for the whole Cowboys game because my kids would get tired.
[00:08:12] You know, we traveled there a little over an hour. They played. It was getting late. We'd always come home a little while after halftime. So we did that for many, many, many years.
[00:08:23] I don't know how many years we did that. So that kind of felt like, okay, we're establishing this tradition now and it feels really nice.
[00:08:31] In 2022, 2023, 2023, I got a chance to go to New York for the Macy's Day Parade. And so because the marching band for the University of South Carolina was in the, in that parade and so I really wanted to go. I was in the marching band here. That's how me and Lauren, that's what we did in college. I mean we met before that, but we did that together in college. So it was important for me to go. We decided. My mom loved the Macy's Day Parade. I hate all parades. Every single one. I loathe parades. The only parade I probably like is the one at Disney World. But I, I hate them.
[00:09:15] I just remember being in middle school band and having to wait and wait and wait and wait all day for parades. I just feel like there's a ton of waiting and it gets on my nerves. But my mom would always have to put on the Macy's Day Parade. It drive. It drove me nuts. I even hated them as a kid. I did not want to watch the Macy's Day Parade. But when the opportunity rose, I decided to invite my mom and my mother in law with us. They decided to come to tap that experience at the Macy's Day Parade in New York. Of course it was the year it rained and poured the entire parade. But we were there and it just kind of felt nice that they all got to have that experience with us. Even if they didn't get to see a large part of the parade or anything to be there for that moment and see the floats and stuff because they set them up days in advance. So it was really nice experience.
[00:10:00] My sister was hurt from that because she felt that tradition too was broken.
[00:10:07] But the since then she does not want to do Thanksgiving together. I don't know. I can't put words in her mouth. So I do not know if. If it is because we went to the Macy's Day Parade and she's still hurt from that or if she just enjoyed staying at home with her core family, her significant other and their three children or. And. And so that has just turned into their new tradition. But it's been hard.
[00:10:36] So I don't even know. I think I stayed home one year but she has not wanted to get together. So this year she indicated too that she was staying home. I did text her and I. Because I want the kids together. I honestly still kind of need money. So it's on Thanksgiving.
[00:10:55] I have gone to therapy, but that is just still the biggest thing I need. But she wanted to stay at home. She said they would come visit, but it's a lot to get my kids and travel over an hour and plan to be there for half a day in a house that doesn't have a lot of toys. It's not designed for small children.
[00:11:12] Neither is my grandma's house. It's a very chaotic. Luke has to be in safe spaces, so that's hard. I think I've asked my mom if we could just go to my sisters for Thanksgiving. I. I don't know if this is true, but what I was told is she doesn't want everybody over at her house either, so that wasn't an option.
[00:11:30] So we are just where we are. So this year I told my mom that we would still come, but I asked if she could move it up earlier just so I could get the kids back earlier and I could actually have some down time and watch the game because I'm always traveling.
[00:11:43] But yeah, my mom did not want to move the time, so we decided that we would just stay home. And it just feels like the end of an era and a shift I have felt for some time. My sister really likes just staying home for the holidays with her core family.
[00:12:02] Honestly, I think my husband probably feels the same.
[00:12:06] I don't. I go back to me and my sister, my cousin being together for the holidays. And so when I see my kids and my nieces together, together on the holidays, that brings me so much joy and comfort. And so it's been really hard to adjust to that.
[00:12:26] So we are staying home this year for Thanksgiving. I. I'm excited to stay home and have a relaxing Thanksgiving and host. That's what I've been wanting to do for years.
[00:12:36] My family did travel to me one year. I think Mac was a baby to us before the Macy's Day Parade and I. It was so nice. But they. It's a lot for everybody travel to me. I'm the only one out of town, so I get that part.
[00:12:51] But, you know, I get to stay at home. I'm very excited about that. The part that is hard for me is not having the kids together.
[00:12:58] I just remember every holiday, you know, life was so chaotic and I looked forward to seeing my girls and I couldn't wait to get home to my union home, my hometown, to see them. And that was just something. Whether I was in Charleston, Myrtle beach or Columbia. I just couldn't wait to get my hands on them. I love them so much. And that was what was so special for the holidays. And so it's hard realizing that my kids aren't going to have that same experience that they did.
[00:13:29] And it's anyways, but I guess I don't know. What do y' all do for Thanksgiving when you had kids? Did your thing, did anything shift? Like did you do something as a big family but then you just wanted to do stuff with your core family?
[00:13:44] Do you like the big family stuff?
[00:13:47] And how do y' all do like when somebody's married and there's multiple events? So that was another thing. Is one thing my mom said with not accommodating me on the time is she used to accommodate me. She's accommodated me so much in the past and she has at Christmas, not Thanksgiving because like I said, at quick going Thanksgiving, maybe she, I don't remember. Maybe there were some years she did for my husband but again it was so that I could be at my husband's side of the family and my own.
[00:14:17] I know she did for Christmas. I know there were Christmases that. My oldest niece, Addison, she had a custody schedule.
[00:14:24] So we got together with my mother in law either Christmas Eve or Christmas Day. So my mom would shift around that and my sister would.
[00:14:33] And it honestly feels like there's a lot of animosity from that instead of understanding. But I feel like other people also have animosity towards that. I've, I've heard things said we always have to revolve around so and so schedule because they have to go see their family.
[00:14:47] And that's not, that is valid.
[00:14:51] I'm not saying it's not. I think whatever you feel is valid. But like, so what do you do though? So what do you do to May for that person to be able to see both sides? I don't, I don't know. I do know my law partner said her mother in law changed their Thanksgiving to Friday and they do Thanksgiving every Friday because she needed to be with her family Thursday and they've never minded. It's been wonderful. I, I want to say that was proposed one time and I, I remember getting really upset because I wanted. I said Thanksgiving's on Thursday, we do Thanksgiving on Thursday. Why would we move to Friday?
[00:15:30] I don't know why we wanted to move it. I don't know if my sister had something with her significant other's family or what. But I made, I made a stink over it. I'm guilty. I know I did. So I don't know where we go from here with the holidays. I, like I said, I think My sister in the past few years, especially since she bought her new home, likes to be home with just her core people, her core family unit. So I just think our versions of the holidays are different. I'm not saying it's right or wrong, but that's where we are. And so that's just been. It's been hard, honestly, especially with me not seeing the neat. My nieces, I'm. I miss them. They're getting older and there's not many years left.
[00:16:16] So I don't know. I guess it's time for me to start making my own traditions with my core family, because that's kind of how she has shifted. And I guess maybe my mom goes between the two of our houses and shifts. Maybe we pick one holiday to accommodate each other, to have the kids together.
[00:16:34] I don't know. I don't know what this solution is, but if you're listening to this episode, let me know what you do with your family. Do you like what you do? Do you go to the big family events, but you wish you could stay home?
[00:16:47] Does anybody accommodate the other?
[00:16:51] I think sometimes you have to make those accommodations. I don't necessarily think it's a hassle. I think sometimes you do it out of love because you want that person there, but you understand they have to be in multiple places.
[00:17:02] So I don't. I think it's just working together as a family unit. But I've now learned that there's a lot of animosity towards me for needing that.
[00:17:10] So, yeah, family dynamics, right? They're fun. They're fun.
[00:17:16] So please let us know your thoughts on what's going on. Is this normal as people get older and have kids and get married? Is this abnormal? What do you do in your traditions that you like? What do you do in your traditions that you really don't like?
[00:17:35] So I'm curious to hear all of your thoughts. But, yeah, so that's our episode for this week.
[00:17:42] I stay tuned for Christmas, but Thanksgiving, I actually am little before I end. I'm very excited for Thanksgiving.
[00:17:51] So when my mom texted me she would not adjust the time for me, and I decided I would just stay at home so I could have that down time and host my nanny. She's one of my best friends. Her mom is our Nana, Nancy. She passed this year.
[00:18:05] It's been really hard for all of us, but of course, especially her. That was her mom.
[00:18:09] She was like, well, me and Papa would love to come to your house. And. And so I was like, really?
[00:18:15] And I got really excited because I love her. And I love Papa, of course. So they are coming. And then her brother Andy is married to one of my best friends, Brittany. And Brittany is how I met all these people. We were friends in college. We were in the same sorority.
[00:18:29] Our kids are best friends, and so they wanted to come, too. And we have planned our menu. Who's cooking what? And we are just so excited to be together as a family, because we are. We're. We're the chosen family that's chosen each other, just not biologically. And the kids are going to be get. The kids are going to be together. You know, my kids and. And Duck are going to be together, and that's still kids being together. And I'm still excited about that. And I go back to that. You can have dual emotions. I know I will miss my nieces, and that will be hard again.
[00:19:03] But there's also joy in new traditions, too.
[00:19:07] So. Yeah, let me know your thoughts. Sorry I cried twice. Anyways, I hope everyone had a safe and happy Halloween. And I look forward to talking to y' all about Thanksgiving and Christmas and what happens in my family. Can't wait to hear Yalls thoughts. So see you next week. Thank you.
