Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] Speaker A: Foreign.
Hey, everybody, it's Lacey, and I'm Lauren, and welcome to another episode of the Llamas podcast.
[00:00:12] Speaker B: And so today, since we're getting close to Father's Day, we're going to be doing a little Father's Day episode and talking about, you know, being millennials and, like, how different parents kind of as part of our millennial series, but how different parents are involved, how, like, all that has shaped us as people.
And then we will be on to a new topic for next week.
[00:00:34] Speaker A: Yep.
And, Lauren, I have a couple questions before we jump into the podcast.
So my first question is if, let's say my mama is going to live forever, but something happened, and I don't know if she's got a will or not. Like, we can't, you know, I think she may have done one with an attorney, but may have changed. I don't know. So I come in for a consultation and I say this information to you. Can you help me? What would be the first thing that you would do?
[00:01:06] Speaker B: So, usually what I try to do just in general when somebody coming in and this probate help is I want to get all the family information that I can possible. Like, go ahead, tell me. Like, do you have siblings? Like, I know you have a sister. Is there anybody else? Like, because a lot of times people will come in and say, oh, there's only the two of us. And then I find out, oh, no, there's like, a strange sibling that, you know, after that y' all haven't spoken to in 30 years or something like that, but still technically a sibling. So making sure we get all that information and then trying to, like, see the family dynamics, to know, like, am I going. This is for my benefit, is I want to know, am I going into something contested? Was also for yours, too. So I can tell you, like, realistically how long it's going to take. But am I going into something contested? Am I going into something that's just really doing paperwork, that type stuff? And then we're going to look at trying to find and locate this wheel. Because you're saying, I think she did a wheel, but I'm not sure.
So, you know, like, looking at your mom lives in Union County. I'm going to look and see, well, who does wheels in Union county? And maybe just, you know, send out an email through, like, the bar association. And, like, I don't know if you've ever noticed this, Lacey, but, like, when we get our E Blast, a lot of times there's parts on the E Blast that's like, hey, so and so drafted this wheel and they're looking for. Or so and so is the child of this person. Did any of you draft the wheel? Do you have a copy?
So we kind of.
[00:02:27] Speaker A: Sorry. If my. Let's say my sister says she's got a copy of the will, but she won't give it to me and hasn't filed it in probate court, could you. What would you do then?
[00:02:39] Speaker B: I would probably go ahead and move to probate court and then ask the court to, like, subpoena her to produce the will kind of thing.
[00:02:48] Speaker A: The court probably, if she didn't produce it, would just go intestate, meaning without a will.
[00:02:54] Speaker B: If a will cannot be produced and nobody can produce it, then at that point, we just move forward through the laws of intestacy.
And then at that point, we could open the probate process and really get everything started moving forward.
[00:03:07] Speaker A: Okay, interesting. Thank you.
Anything else you want to add?
[00:03:14] Speaker B: Just so everybody's out there, just have a wheel and put it in the same place. Place like I tell people and tell people where you put it. Because this is thing you have a will, you do it, you put it somewhere and you forget about it.
Your family doesn't know you did it.
[00:03:29] Speaker A: There's no.
[00:03:29] Speaker B: You just spent like 500 for no reason because you didn't tell them or didn't tell them where it was. So put it in a safe place. If you have like a safe lock box, fireproof box, or safe deposit box at a bank, put it there, but tell somebody.
[00:03:42] Speaker A: Yeah, yeah.
So moving on, I asked Lauren if we could do, like, a Father's Day episode. And I'm sorry, there's gonna be some bubbly parts probably from Lauren on this episode, but I really wanted to talk about it because it was something recent that came up in a TV show that many of us millennials, especially probably women, have grown up watching. And that was Teen Mom. Lauren, did you watch Teen mom ever or not at all?
[00:04:11] Speaker B: A few episodes at the beginning, but it was just not my jam. But I do know a lot of people that were on it.
[00:04:17] Speaker A: Yeah. So one of the moms, and she was one of the OG Moms, because there were several series.
Her name is Amber, and she really struggled with substance abuse addiction as well as mental health diagnosis, and she did go to prison at one point. So throughout the show, you really see Amber Mia a good bit, because she really does struggle. And I'm very empathetic to her situation, for sure. And she has a very hard diagnosis. But her daughter Leah was raised by her dad, Gary, and Gary subsequently met someone else and married her. And so Leah was primarily raised by dad and stepmom.
So the. The kids now in this show are now 16. So the original show was 16 and pregnant, and now these kids are 16, so they're old.
But I was kind of triggered by the season finale, and I kind of hadn't watched much of it, but Amber has been missing a lot in. In Leah's life because of her issues. And while I understand the difficulties she faced, I also believe that there was more Amber could have done to be involved in her kid's life. And because of that, she. She always blames the dad. Like, you know, the dad keeps me from Leah. The dad does this, but whenever she's filming, she's, like, always on her couch.
And there was also a period of time where her and the dad were really close. And dad was like, I want you over here. I want you to be involved in Leah's life. And whenever you're watching the episodes, all you see is him wanting her involved and texting her like, we're having this for Leah. We'd love to come by. We'd love to have this. And she's like, oh, I'm just gonna have my own thing. And then she never would get her. And so in the season finale, Leah had heard her about her mom bashing her dad online.
And so she sent a text message to her mom and said, I just want to let you know it was never my dad saying that you couldn't come around. Like, it was me not wanting you here.
And I was telling Lauren, I just. That got me because my dad was not around in my childhood, and he is not present at all or around much, and he's not present in my life now. And my mom just gets. Gets the blame for that a lot, you know? So I kind of was talking about with Gary and stuff. Like, my mom gets so much heat for decisions I made.
I remember my. My dad would get me a couple times a year, and I just didn't know him very well, so. And I was very shy as a kid. I was also very picky. So, like, when I went places and stayed the night, sometimes I would, like, not eat because I was such a picky eater. But I also wouldn't speak up like, hey, I'm really picky. Is there something else you can make me? So I just remember when I would go to his house, there'd be times like, I wouldn't eat because there'd be nothing there That I was. I wanted. But I also wasn't confident because I didn't know this person well enough to say it. And that was supposed to be my dad. And so once I got older, I would just beg my mom, please don't make me go, because I was scared.
Like, I mean, I don't know if you've experienced that with, like, sleepovers or anything like that, Lauren, but, you know, so definitely jump in and talk about it. But I just. It was hard. Like, I didn't have a bed when I went, so I would always have to sleep on the couch.
I didn't have any toys, coloring books, anything like that. So I was always, like, bored. I didn't know anybody in the neighborhood and, you know, no kids. And see, back home, my best friend lived right down the road and my grandma lived right next door.
So I was always glad when my cousin Jenny Lynn would come over and play or I would get to go to her house. And I would always, on Christmases when he would get me, I always try to talk myself, how am I going to talk my aunt and uncle into taking me so I don't have to stay with my dad because it was just that uncomfortable. But my aunt and uncle, I don't know, it's just different. Like, they were just.
Even if I didn't see them a lot, they would from having, I guess, their own daughter. They knew how to interact with me, if that makes sense.
Maybe my dad just didn't know how to interact with me because he had never had a daughter and he didn't raise my brother.
Do you think that might have been.
[00:08:38] Speaker B: It actually wanted you to come or like he just felt like that was what he was supposed to do?
[00:08:47] Speaker A: I truly don't know. I really don't know. I don't want to say he truly didn't want it. I will say it wasn't a priority. Right.
I.
I think he has a lot of regrets and remorse now. And so I. I hesitate to say absolutely just didn't want me there and I was just a burden.
But I definitely will for sure say I clearly was never a priority. I mean, he.
He had priorities.
I mean, when I. I mean, and growing up alone, I saw him get married three times, and that was before I even graduated high school. So, I mean, his priorities were other places.
And I think if you can accept that and just accept responsibility, there's nothing wrong with, like, you were at a different time, you didn't want children.
I wish he just, at that point, if he really didn't Want me would have said that. But I wonder if he didn't want to be viewed by his family of just complete abandonment. So in his eyes, like, abandonment was like, that was enough to not be considered abandonment.
I don't know.
[00:09:55] Speaker B: Is he on your birth certificate? I'm just curious.
[00:10:00] Speaker A: Not originally he said I. That he did not believe that I was his. My mom partied, and that's another thing. They will throw up to my mom, her partying days. And my mom's always been honest with me about her partying days. And I told her, I said, if you partied it up and lived it up before me, I don't see nothing wrong with it. Like, do what you want to do. So I've never cared what my mama did. Now, there were some mistakes she made as a kid, but that's for another podcast episode. And I love my mom very deeply, but because of that, they did not. He said that I was not here, so there was going to be a blood test. So there was a blood test, and it came back that I was his. And then there was a child support issue.
And so I don't think he was on my birth certificate then. I don't know if you can go back at some point.
I think he was put on there because, see, my last name when I was born was Tober, which is my mom's maiden name, because he did deny paternity at first. And then when I was in second grade, this sounds. This is so sad, but I asked my mom if I could change my name to his last name, which was Lee, because I thought he would love me. So I asked her if she would change my name to Lee so that way my dad would love me and be in my life. And so my mom did that for me. And that's another thing. My mom is so passive. She's gonna do whatever she can to keep the peace. Like, anytime my dad was gonna ask for me, she was gonna try to make me go because she would rather fight with me than fight with him. She would have been scared to fight with him. My mom doesn't ever stand up for herself. She doesn't ever stand up for her children either. And that's an issue we have had with other family dynamics because. Because she, she. She's just scared. She's so shy. Like, I'm opposite. I'm like, I'm going to do this, and if it hurts somebody's feelings, I don't care. I'm going to do this with my kids. I don't care. But my mom is just not so, you know, anytime he asked, like, my mom was going to, like, it was. She was not going to do anything until it finally got to the point where I, like, I'm like, I'm not going.
Like, you're just going to have to deal.
And I. I don't know. I don't know what happened. At some point, it did become on my terms, and sometimes I would go see him, and sometimes I wouldn't.
What got me to the point to completely close that door was he. He blamed my grandma for not having a relationship with me. And there was a visitation. I'm pretty sure there was a visitation order that he could get me, like, every other weekend. But he never cared enough like you were saying to or. Or wanted me enough to, like, enforce it. So I don't. Like, my grandma technically could not have stopped him from getting me. And I also know how passive my mom is. If my grandma even tried, all he would have had to do was call my mom, and my mom would have given in because she doesn't have those feelings now. I can say she's very much in support of me and how I feel about the situation of abandonment. But growing up, I do think she always had feelings for him romantically.
So even though he's married, I think he. She would have done anything to appease him, if that makes sense.
[00:13:11] Speaker B: It does.
[00:13:12] Speaker A: Yeah. So when he blamed my grandma, I was like, well, I know that's a load of crap. Even if she tried, it would have worked if he just went through my mama. So when I realized he was never going to take accountability for the wrong, I was like, I'm done. So I did send him a very long, lengthy letter spelling out exactly how I felt and mailed it to him.
And then I later had a conversation with my half brother on that side. We're not super close, but I ran into him in Union at dinner after I had Luke, but before I had Mac.
And he said that the way he was with us, he is the same way with his children.
He said that he would make promises of getting them and bringing them to the lake, and he would then, like, cancel and not come through. And so at that point, you know, also, I was solidified in making sure that my kids were not exposed to that.
So.
But, yeah, but I really. Yeah. So if y' all watch Teen Mom. Leah.
Leah. I don't know if you'll watch my podcast, but Leah Shirley, I definitely just admire her to have done that at 16, because it took me until I was 30 to, you know, say, quit blaming my mom. Like, it's me. I made these decisions. I'm an adult. If you have something to say, say it to me. He just can't because I've got him and his wife blocked. So I guess that's why they go through my mom, because she hasn't blocked them. But.
[00:14:42] Speaker B: Well, for me, I grew up in the normal like mom and dad household. I have a really awesome set of parents, have a really awesome dad.
He's been supportive of everything in my life. Pretty much he has been. Both him and mom have been supportive. But overall I'm a daddy's girl. Always have been.
Like a story about us is. When I got found out I was pregnant with Maddie, nobody in my family was happy for the most part at the start.
I'm married, I'm an attorney, I had a house, I already had one child. I'm responsible, but business.
Yes. And I'm like 33 years old at this time, so it's not like I'm some spring chicken like having a baby. Like at 16, my dad was the only one that was excited at this art. Now granted Maddie's here and everybody loves her because she is amazing. But like that's kind of the relationship I've had with my dad the whole time. He's always been supporting me. My husband, on the other hand, has had. He's dead now, a terrible dad. And like I will say his situation is a little different than yours because his mom did not give a crap. Okay, so he was supposed to marry my. My mother in law's passed away too. So I'm hoping when she hears this, she doesn't like give me signs from the grave that she's pissed off at me for sharing this story. So I apologize, Susan, but. So he was supposed to marry her. He left her at the altar. Like he got her pregnant, went with another woman who. This is like how small towns work, though. We're not small towns. Like. So this all happened in Lockhart, South Carolina. Turns out my paralegal now used to work with Wes's ex step mama.
Wes didn't really know his stepmom. I can't. Nothing knows that. But. So Wes didn't want anything to do with his dad at all. His dad was in and out of jail, drugs, like all this bad stuff. He was actually trafficking and everything.
So he went to prison out in Texas.
[00:16:43] Speaker A: Federal prisoner's dad probably has purchased from him before then.
[00:16:49] Speaker B: Probably.
[00:16:50] Speaker A: I would not doubt it at all.
[00:16:53] Speaker B: So obviously my mother in law probably did not Want her son around this man because he was like no good influence. So while my husband didn't want to be around him and have no relationship with him, his mom didn't want it either. Didn't push him, didn't make him go in weird situations because of it. I don't know if my husband actually was ever even alone with his dad. His issue was his dad's mom who's dead as well. And she probably is angry from the grave because she told oh so in all of this, my husband's grandmother, from her deathbed, she had cancer. She actually died on her 90th birthday. I'm pretty sure she looked at God and said I'm ready. And he just said okay. And it all happened like that. But so on her deathbed she told my mother in law who had been abused by this man who he had left and like not even like a year before, like my, this, my grandmother in law, I guess died.
Susan had ran into Wes's dad at an event and he like yelled F you, you down the hall ladder, stuck his middle finger up at her in front of a bunch of people. My husband's almost 40 years old, so that should tell you like this is so petty, right? But on her deathbed she asked my mother in law to make sure that Kylie knew about her grandpa and what a good person he was.
[00:18:14] Speaker A: Oh my gosh.
[00:18:16] Speaker B: So what? My husband's issues didn't come from his mom being passive or anything. She was a very outspoken woman. His issues came from the fact that his grandmother thought that he as the child should men this relationship with his dad, that it was not his dad's responsibility to do this. And his grandma was a school teacher, a very nice woman, very well respected. And you know, when we talk about affluenza kids, in no way were they rich, but this man got away with everything. If he wrecked a car, she bought him a new one. She, he got in trouble for a lot of stuff. She hired the best attorneys in the state. So while they weren't rich, all of her money was going to support him. So I believe he had affluent status. But she pretty much blamed Wes his whole life for the fact that he didn't have a relationship with his dad and never blamed the dad. And so I will say this never impacted his relationship with his mom because his mom was, they were on the same page with everything. But it did impact his relationship with his grandmother, especially after his, his grandpa on that side didn't see it that way. But after he passed away, it really Impacted his relationship with his grandmother. And his grandmother even said, like, we were wanting to take her out to dinner for her birthday one time, and her birthday and Susan's birthday were, like, the same time. So he said, let's do a big. Just the four of us, go all out for dinner. She wouldn't come unless Harold Dean could come.
Why would we invite Wes? So she pretty much had nothing to do with us for a while until her son died. And at that point, she would have stuff to do with us.
But she pretty much held it against my husband his whole life, that his dad was a piece of crap and he was supposed to just ignore it, have a relationship with him.
And she would lie to my husband about stuff, too. So this was, like, one time she called Wesley's Easter night, and she called him, and she's like, I need you to take me to the hospital. Your dad's had a heart attack or a stroke, and I just need somebody to drive me. I can't drive. He'd overdosed.
And she knew good and well he had overdosed. And, like, that was my husband's final straw on, like, dealing with this. And he. He just told his grandmother, he said, I'm not doing it.
I want a relationship with you, but if you can't see this.
And so a lot of times, people thought Wes was, like, a terrible grandson because he didn't come around his grandma all the time, but he wanted to, but he got put in that hard position of, well, if you're not going to have a relationship. And, like, when he would try to visit his grandma, she would spring the dad over there to try to, like, ambush this relationship. And I don't. I think that's really impacted Wes's life is, like.
For one, like, I think it has told him the exact opposite of what you should do as a dad. So I do think, like, in a lot of ways, like, just because somebody doesn't grow up with a good dad doesn't mean that they can't be one, because my husband can, because he's seen the worst of a dad. He's also seen how much his mom was a single mom that did everything.
So he saw the love and affection from her. So. So I think he still can pass that on.
I will say, though, I probably have unrealistic high expectations of what a dad needs to be, because I had a perfect dad, and I still do. And to this day, like, if anything's going wrong, I'm having a bad day. Like, my parents are both there for me and they're there for me in different ways.
And that's what I want for my girls to have, too, is to have this relationship, like, with mom and dad. And I don't think it's just a relationship with my parents. Like, I have a different relationship with my mom than I do with my dad because they're two. I mean, obviously I was an only child. The three of us were together all the time, so it's a blob over. But, like, they're still that separate. And, like, that's what I want my kids to have. Like, knowing, like, okay, if I want to do this, dad's the one I want to go to. If I want to do this, mom's the one I want to go to. And I definitely think that me and him coming from two very different ends of the dad spectrum impacts our parenting styles. But I think we both learned. He learned the wrong way, and I learned the right way. So I think together has made us, like, better parents. I guess that is one thing that we are not going to have is affluenza babies because of his daddy. Like, that is one thing that is clear.
[00:22:38] Speaker A: So I. I thought about something too. When you were kind of talking about it. Almost think it was easier for Wes's mom to create that boundary to protect him because of the drug involvement. I think what was so hard for my mom to close that door, even though I was, like, begging her because I was so uncomfortable, is there. My dad didn't do anything bad that I know of. Like, he drank. I'm not saying that, like, he didn't drink, but, I mean, my mom used to party too. And my stepdad, I was raised, was an alcoholic, you know, But I mean, as far as, like, he. I don't know if he ever did drugs. If. If he did, it wasn't to the extent that it ever affected, like, his life as an addict. I've never heard that he ever did any drugs, to be honest.
He was in the National Guard. He always paid child support. Always, like, since I was born. Always pay child support. Only stopped when it was the end, when I turned 18.
So, like, I think it was harder for my mom to just accept pure abandonment that he just didn't want to be in my life and shut that door. I think it's almost easier when you can give. I mean, clearly there was a safety concern with Wes's dad that my mom didn't have here. And he came from a really nice family that's very, you know, well known, I think, back home. And Union in the community.
I mean, everybody in my family on that side has been pretty successful. I mean, there's been things here and there, but people have gotten help. And, you know, I, I see pictures on Facebook of my, my cousins and my family on that side. And it brings me so much, Jo. Like, I'm just. It's just so beautiful that they, they have these things. So.
So, yeah, so that's. I, I think that's why it was harder for her, her to close the door.
It was a lot easier to accept that closed door for my sister, for her dad. Because in your description of Wes's dad, it was very much along the lines of my, my sister's dad and that. But I don't know, I just, I think that was, you know, I can't say that my dad did do any of those things because I've never heard anything bad. One fond memory I will share before we wrap this up is I remember as a kid he did get me one time and I remember him playing the guitar. And if you know anything about me, I was in the marching band. And I love music.
I love hearing people play guitar. I've never been able to play guitar, but I love country music as well. And I think he loved country music. And so there's just, you know, I do hold on to that fond memory. And if maybe he didn't want me, maybe his priorities were different. I don't know what it is. I do think he regrets that. And if he ever hears this episode, he's probably going to look back and said, I wish I'd gotten her more and played the guitar. And I do, too. I wish that that was my child with, with him and that he would have gotten me enough to know those things about me and what I love and don't love and all of those things. But, you know, he probably only because of my letter, could he probably tell you my favorite sports teams and my hobbies and anything about my childhood, the goods and bads I've shared some pretty traumatic events I don't think he ever knew about. But, you know, I think it's easy to close off a parent with, you know, the things that you just talked about with Wes. But you know, I think abandoned, just pure abandonment is.
It might be harder just to shut the door based on that because you can't list anything truly bad about the person.
So.
[00:26:12] Speaker B: And on that note, next episode we are going to talk about one of reality TVs dads that I don't know, but I think we all can agree as a garbage dad, even though he puts on a front, he's not. So we will be moving on to Sister wives and some reality TV stuff. But our next episode is going to focus on like polygamy sister wives and y' all can have your own opinion, but I think Cody is garbage. And we'll talk about that next episode.
[00:26:40] Speaker A: But let's conclude. And I just want to wish my husband, Mark a happy Father's Day. You are a fantastic, amazing die to my kids and I never have to worry about any. I get teary eyed my kids feeling any of the things I have felt with abandonment issues with you. So I love you. And do you want to wish Wes a happy Father's Day?
[00:27:03] Speaker B: My husband will be working on Father's Day because that is his day to work. So I will save you some leftover food from the cookout with my father.
But I do love him and he'll never listen to this because he admitted the other night at dinner he's yet to watch an episode so I could say whatever, he would not know. But I do hope he has a happy Father's Day.
[00:27:23] Speaker A: And happy Father's Day to Daddy Fluffy.
[00:27:26] Speaker B: Which is Lauren's dad Dad and dog Dad. I will say from the minute we got married, Harvey became his just as much as mine. So I'm very grateful.
[00:27:35] Speaker A: Yeah, well, happy Father's Day and I'll see you next.
[00:27:40] Speaker B: All right.
[00:27:42] Speaker A: Bye.
[00:27:43] Speaker B: Bye.
